tengerineskies's Blog

oh hey. going home this past weekend was one of the best decision i’ve made in a while. i saw a bunch of my friends, which only made me realize just what a terrible amount i miss them. they’re so dear to me… i wish i had more time with them. i feel like we’re drifting, yet simultaneously the bond between us is strong enough to endure a few months. i’m so excited for the trip this summer… however, i am upset i will be gone for SO long. and you know me, i’m always at odds with my decisions and flaky as hell. spontaneity suits me.

anyway, tennis was a lot of fun. i want to buy my dad and me racquets so we can start playing all the time. perhaps that will be my birthday gift for him. i’m making my mom a picture frame when i go home in may, since i will be missing everybody’s birthdays – Trish’s, mine, lil’s, mom’s dad’s, and probably a million more. next summer i am definitely not leaving for a long period of time. hopefully i will get a job or internship or something, where i can still stay home and relax in between times. this weekend also reminded me of how much we’ve all changed. some for the better, some for the worse… ha. found out some things about Jess that i’m not very surprised about, but it’s still frickin hilarious. let’s be honest here, i saw that coming. gotta love people.

these next few weeks are going to be SO much fun. i’m really looking forward to partying and all the fun little things like formal. i’m going to live it up after pledge season is over… but for now, i’ve got LOTS of homework and tests to study for. i have a lot to look forward to, and i’m open to all new experiences and people. and after than, home for two weeks (relaxing and preparing) before jetting off to spain and africa SO excited. Trish is right, it’s going to be such a culture shock. i’m ready. and then after that, back home for a month… getting a job? who knows. but i will also be going back to tcnj early for CA work. i’m sure this will be a bitch, but i’m looking forward to it. a bunch of seniors are going there next year and i’m super excited to show them around and such.

i need a drink. i can’t wait to party again i have ke$ha’s your love is my drug on replay… it’s a fantastic song to dance to. i love her. she’s so badass.

you can turn off the sun, but i’m still gonna shine *

hahahaha… fuck my lifeee.

tell me how every guy i find intriguing and absolutely perfect and delectable… gets a girlfriend. who happens to not be me. where’s my charm? where’s my turn? am i seriously so undesirable that there haven’t been any suitors lately? what is wrong with me?!

i’m so fucking depressed.

my goal of being in the city is very much like a shady oak on a balmy summer’s day. the arts, entertainment, culture, spontaneity of it all is so lovely. however, as much as i love the city, there is a tender serenity about living in the country. i’ll probably end up in suburbia one day to raise my children, after the fast-paced city has hardened and wound me down. i hope i get to jet-set and see exotic animals, face extreme sports, and meet a good amount of fascinating people. my goal is to see all of the continents, at the very least.

all i want to do right now is party. i’m doubting pledge season and the fraternity… it’s not me at all. shouldn’t i stop doing things that are “good” for me? i constantly feel like i am giving, doing things and not receiving credit. all of this seems so repetitive, don’t i always talk about the same thing?

i’m pretty psyched that joel mchale is coming to campus. truth be told, i barely know who he is but i have a newfound love for live comedy. truuuulyyy… i can’t wait until pledge season is over so i have time to treat myself and read magazines and watch movies and read books and drink coffee and smile and enjoy sunlight and dress cute and be artsy and love and be loved.

i adore my friends. i have made plenty and developed great friendships at tcnj thus far. i’m meeting tons of new people and i can feel my options opening up. i’ve learned that i have leadership potential… which is huge. and because i am so well-balanced, i can freely access parts of myself at different times. pledge season has taught me how to endure, manage my time, and just how important entertainment is to me.

i’ve been meaning to create a tumblr for quite a while now. SO much to do when i’m freee again. gotta run. laterrr

second post of the day… aren’t you lucky?!

photography. someday, i want to fill up a wall, a room with my own works. i cannot wait to get my own apartment and decorate it and make it ME. i do this a lot… i mean, my style has a lot to do with self expression. respect it

i’m listening to aqueduct’s hard core days and soft core nights. haven’t heard this in a while, it reminds me of the city. i don’t know what it is about the city that feels like it’s the epitome of my future. i can’t picture my career without being in the city for at least a part of my young life. naturally, many many many people feel this way. girls, especially. i’ve just come to accept the fact that the things i do are girly, for the most part. and if a guy happened to say, be creative or artsy, he’d be gay.

passion pit has got to be my favorite band at the moment. instant party with those guys on.

i’m frustrated because my hair doesn’t look as good as when my stylist blow-dried it. it’s times like these i wish i was famous so i could have a personal hairdresser

and i don’t want to go back to college. don’t get me wrong, i want to go back and see people again… but i’m anxious about pledge stuff, it’s just so much to plan and be alert for. back to long days, zero sleep, and 110% participation. greeeattt.

this break was a bust for the most part. i enjoyed spending time with people and having me time, but there wasn’t enough time to just chill out. i was always either online procrastinating or doing work. time management my asss. back to “reality”…

and why are all the concerts for the next year and a half sold out? what’s up with that. i thought tickets went on sale 2 months in advance and now they’re booked into 2012. i’m exaggerating, but i’m really off put but this. like passion pit in brooklyn this summer, completely sold out. it’s only march. at this rate, i’ll be buying tickets for december. that’s not cool, because concerts aren’t exactly a priority and i’d end up not going and wasting money… which i guess works out for them. haha, why am i going into business again?

i make lists. and lists of lists. it’s getting really bad because now it’s not productive, i just write things down so that i don’t forget it… but i should rely on my memory a little more. i’m so forgetful that now i’m paranoid. haha awesome…

i also need to stop planning out my life. no time for spontaneity! i’m only 18. in my eyes, that’s the perfect age because you’re beginning to be respected as an adult, but still young enough to wear pigtails or wear dual nail polish colors.

k i’m done. that was all too sporadic and random.

i’m sorryyyy that i haven’t been blogging. i’ve been getting caught up in life and its inevitable way of wrenching me in and me getting too involved and too stressed. a lot has happened over the past couple of months, and i literally have not drank in a month. or hooked up with anybody, for that matter. i’m far too lazy to update on everything, and i’m definitely not putting everything into chronological order.

yesterday i was talking to kalvin about tcnj, relationships, our personalities, our goals. we are complete opposites and such great friends, but he can really tick me off sometimes because we are so different. for one, i’m more likely to go out and have fun, do anything i can to do what i want and be free, and he is “situation fitting” as he states, he would be happy anywhere and is quite content staying in and relaxing. to me, that seems very lazy and not very exciting. don’t get me wrong, i love spring break because i can stay in and watch movies and just be me… but that’s not going to be my choice of action. and with ourselves, i’ve been so stressed out at school with pledge season and choosing a path for myself (english, artsy, french, etc. vs. business, still artsy, but more professional) and i chose one that i thought would be more practical and also still fun for me. i realize that life is a series of choices and every decision matters. life doesn’t happen to you, you choose where you go. and anyway, i’d been so overwhelmed with school that i needed break to rejuvenate myself. to cut my hair, spend time with my parents, and spend time alone. i guess my default is still extremely independent and loner, but chasing my dreams is conducive to relying on people and working as a team. it also means i have to be more outgoing. this also means that i’ve been feeling more confident as i’ve been forced to reach out of my comfort zone. it’s cool to see how much i can endure and still manage to be myself. i’m acknowledging that this semester has been full of changes, and this was what i anticipated, but how i felt about them… i could not have imagined. funny how that works. anyway, i see my confidence and self-assurance in little things too… even singing to songs, i have more of a grip on the lyrics whereas before i’d be afraid to sing out loud for fear of getting the words wrong. i see it in talking to others, i realize that i have a knack for conversing and truly expressing who i am is very important to me, something that i had trouble doing previously. i realized that i can’t be so quiet and contemplative all the time. and yet, i think i am very introverted… but it’s also exciting to try something new and i guess i’m embracing this new, outgoing self.
kalvin and i also discussed relationships and our ideal s.o.’s. he isn’t interested in any girl at tcnj because they’re either too studious or too party happy, and he hasn’t made a connection with them. i feel bad for him because he really cares for vicky and she’s quickly getting over him while he still really loves her. he told me a lot of things that were quite personal, which i like because it means he can trust me. we also talked about how we are not compatible at all. i’m not sure why we talked about it or why it would cross our minds. i guess platonic guy-girl friendships have to establish that fact. but let’s be honest, he’s a cat person! haha, jk. but again, he’s more of a stay-in-and-relax while i’m more into the aggressive type, confident and out there. he called me “perfect” because i don’t party excessively and i’m not too studious. however, some things he said that really ticked me off were “paying to volunteer”… obviously i’m doing it for a reason. my cousin has done it and absolutely loves it. i felt like he was establishing an opinion that kind of seeded into mine, something that i’m taking action in doing. he also said that he’s acutely aware of his changes. when he makes a change in himself, it’s a snap action and no looking back. for me, i am usually conscious of the change, but more often than not, i am surprised by my changes, and also proud at the same time at what i’ve accomplished. i described to him my ideal guy, and some potential guys at tcnj. i listed music and traveling as two main factors. humor is another one.

i am still overwhelmed. i also get the feeling that i won’t ever feel stress-free again. at least, i’ll always be doing something and preparing for something, never stopping until i get it. i often have trouble accepting that i can’t get things right away. i don’t understand why i don’t get hired, and i wouldn’t understand why i didn’t get that internship. but i am getting somewhere. i’m taking myself places i never thought i would go, and becoming someone i thought was impossible for me to be. and i think i’m happy. which is really all that matters.

additionally, i have a lot of pressure on me. i’m an only child and i think part of me realizes that although i get a lot of the things that i want materialistically from my parents, i have a lot more to live up to. i have to be everything. and that makes things infinitely more difficult.

i’ve grown up a little bit, but i’m still a child inside. there’s no limit, i still have control over who i am. life is beautifulllll

ups: learning, living, loving. art-major quality. tickle your fancy. more daring. less caring. go-getter. more art, art, art, French, lit lit lit, and creation. so little time but so much more tired. different kinds of fun. tons of new people. wit and irony. paradoxical circumstances and rebellion. out of comfort zone. more possibility and discovery. more success overall. changes, oh so many changes. creating a resume, what is it all for? talking, more than ever. speaking more, saying less.

downs: too much change, too little fun: no opera, concert, movies, parties, reading, current events, talent shows, cultural events, etc. etc. for 6 weeks. no time for creation. not fitting in, craziness. purpose. serving myself. i don’t know, too indecisive.

wake up, sleepy head. I think the sun’s a little brighter today… smile and watch the icicles melt away and see the water rising… summer’s here to stay, and all those summer games will last forever… go down to the shore, kick off your shoes, dive in the empty ocean…

oh, dave matthews. you’re amazing.

so, college. semester deux. three or four weeks in and my life is rapidly changing. i’m getting inspired by people. i’m taking chances, taking initiative. i’m meeting new people and making connections. however, the more that i think about it, the more unsatisfied i am about my current love life. something needs to change good thing i’m so open and flexible… (that’s what she said.)

i’m too busy for my own good. i can’t be a homewrecker. i’ve made it my trademark to dress well again, and i pride myself on letting others point out my good qualities. i have great style and taste. i can be charming, i suppose. i’m passionate about French, reading, writing, music, all aspects of art (painting, dancing, collage, drawing, modeling?, photography), fashion, etc. there are a bunch of things on my horizon that i’m not putting too much faith in, but i’m putting forth my best effort. i’m developing my skills and being humble, but i am aware of the repercussions of being too cocky or not being observant enough. schoolwork comes first. being busy makes me happy, because i’m having fun doing it.

lalalala… so much to do. i’m ambitious. i’m a dreamer. let’s do this.

it literally was raining cats and dogs today. i was scared this morning, because it was early, dark, and i thought the wind was a siren. woke up mad early, but got a lot accomplished today. need to be even better at time management in order to watch some shows/movies and draw in there.
villanova was a lot of fun. the girls are prettier and the boys are cuter, le sigh* but i’ll survive, i guess. random hook-up with a cute boy who has a thing with a girl who is great friends with sk. great. but very funny, in retrospect. i need to stop. school is keeping me busy, leaving me apathetic about the lack of eye-candy around. i guess i should be a little more optimistic. s’not a worry though. i can concentrate on me, like always. who says i’m not happy? i’m content.

lots of things happen every day, too many thoughts to keep track of. got homework done, probably switching into french 103, possibly taking choir, tomorrow’s a long day. decisions, decisions. sorority? CA? Padosa internship? she kicked me off the project, but with good reason. blah. Ed@tcnj, gym, more time for friends. CUB? IVHQ? I’m a one-woman show. Parents are coming on Wed. and i’m excited. a nice break from the campus is always nice. i didn’t really want to come back from nova. sad. quiz in french, discussion in lit, lecture in stat at 8:30 almost relieving. got to look at more websites, watch some more movies, get into shows.

got into himym, great show. love: jason mraz’s blog, oversized sweaters and skinnies, making lists, margin doodles, the XX, metric, dreamy indie-pop music in general, robin thicke’s seductive voice and spoon-like rock bands, kings of leon, concerts oh i love you so, the city and all its glamour and self-loathing, bubble tea, fro-yo, fro-yo with toppings galore, crocheting, bus trips, solitude, parties, hard reality, flat black boots, red suspenders, eco-friendly, Their Eyes Were Watching God, hugs, sweet kisses, passionate kisses, intimacy, the true existentialism of prom night, languages (primarily French), hey arnold! murals, discovery, obsessions, 90′s pop culture, nickelodeon and pre-2005 disney channel, progressive.

peace.

however excited i may be to continue with my studies, get organized, and be constantly busy and wracked with activities, i am going to miss home very, very much. more than i had imagined. i realized my friends here are amazing, and there’s a certain familiarity that does not compare with the new, fun friendships of college. however well and quick my friendships inevitably occurred, i will miss home. and more than my friends, i will feel a loss of my artistic and contemplative self; for whatever reason, i find it impossible to manage blogging whilst working on school, my internship, and pleasing other people. and i know that i will spend less time with people who do not matter this semester, instead seeking intriguing personalities and analyzing people better. not falling into the trap of caring what others think when i’m reserved and searching the internet for opportunities and reading and not being fun-filled Tiff. and more than my friends and my reclusive, home-y self, i will miss my parents. no matter how we may get along or not, they are my parents and no matter how little they show their appreciation, i have reason to believe they are proud of my accomplishments and the person i have become: loyal, trustworthy, hard-working, dream-seeker, social, creative, and proactive, if not rebellious toward restrictions and confinements of society. i will miss my mother’s cooking and the security of being home. and most of all, i think i am sad that this will only occur for four more years, of going to school and coming back, less and less time with the parents and my home with each passing year. but, i suppose that with with time, i will consistently prepare myself for the day that i will live on my own. hopefully in an apartment in the city

so to recap the past few days… went ice skating with a great group of people – that was fun. i always forget how much i enjoy the thrill of ice skating. listened to the trio’s ridiculous but hilarious song in the car. hung out with becca earlier in the day, bonding over coldstone. saturday, hung out with kevin and then proceeded to go to scott’s house and then to a party with a bunch of the “popular” jocks from high school. now, i usually don’t mind going to these things, but this was almost unbearable. it was awkward, stuffy, and i realized how little i cared to associate with these people even after high school. nothing has changed! i am glad for who i am, and the friends i have come to love. albeit, it was amusing to see them in their environment. much like watching animals in a kingdom fight for an unnecessary, shiny crown that really isn’t all that great after its been won.

on thursday i also hung out with evan for a little bit. i cannot be around evan, especially alone, for long periods of time. i suggested we go take pictures, because he had wanted to hang out for days and i felt bad about cancelling all the time. plus, i didn’t want to be that person. so i took my fish-eye and he took his professional and we walked around his area, and then along the train tracks on rt. 53, and ended up at “narnia” across the lake from me. i know he’s a lonely kid. especially because he’s an only child, something i can relate to, and although he is very giving and caring, it can be a little too much sometimes. (um, i really hope he doesn’t read this.) so that was fun, trekking in the refreshing winter air and discovering places i wouldn’t have seen otherwise. there’s this cool area behind his house, and the train tracks are the exact place i always imagined in the movies, and here it is in my own hometown. (hence, the title of this blog! i love this place, so much!) i can’t wait to explore it during all seasons and with different people. it’s such a naturally beautiful place to chill and have conversations/picnics. and that place i call narnia, is a formerly deserted, now turned business complex that was a great source of discovery when nikki and i were closer. her and matt and his old band had found it and the place was forest-y and swampy; thus, many adventures occurred there. imaginations can reel in a place like that. anyway, it makes me nostalgic and also bitter thinking about previous friendships that have deceased, and not before years of me poking and prodding it along, for some semblance of appreciation for my greatness. like, wtf. i’m not here to get taken advantage of, or to be ignored. i might not need a lot of attention, but i also love attention, well-earned. and i definitely feel like i give more than i receive sometimes.

and sometimes, i get really giddy and euphoric over silly moments, like driving home from the ski trip. i’m so grateful for how much i have changed and understood over the years, and like i stated previously, anything is fun in good company.

which brings me to my next point: do not neglect to text me back, or cancel plans for no good reason. okay, okay, i am guilty of this. but i have this feeling that ray didn’t. that is upsetting. i’ve heard unsettling things about him, even in the past, that he had cheated and such. it’s just funny because he once ditched a sweet sixteen just to hang out with me. but such is life. now i know.

and last night, trish and i had a deep text convo about relationships and being single, and guys in general. i wish i could re-post it here. la la la oh the woes of youth and the single life…

tcnj-bound in the morn. let’s do it up!

breakeven by the script, still remains one of my favorite songs. reminds me of summer nights, the city, and the sleek possibility of heartbreak romance.

plus, danny o’donoghue ain’t half bad

naturally, i learned a lot about myself throughout this break. so much that it makes me feel like crying, weeping for who i was and how swiftly i am changing. it’s all a blur.

one thing i’m upset about though… is people making plans and cancelling, my paranoia at them not actually wanting to spend time with me, and unconfirmed plans. additionally, all those little pieces of conversation and quips that i pick up on, and seem like attacks on me. with certain friends it’s almost as if i am not appreciated enough and not invited to events anymore. so that hurts, sometimes. maybe that’s why i never make plans. the rejection. but i’m going to keep doing it, until i am a committed person. i can’t go on being so incredibly flaky. it makes for flaky relationships, and i want (and like to say that i have kept) strong relationships, with friends.

anyway. i’ve realized that several of the people i know at college, especially those who live in my floor, are not people i especially want to continue friendships with in my future college years. however, i have met some pretty awesome people, and look forward to continuing to meet new people. i realized a lot about myself this break. in my spare time, i am a spontaneous, passionate artist who loves to read, anything from magazines to books to blogs. someone who loves to watch great movies and get inspired, and informed. i am somebody who can live in solitude for days at a time, but enjoys the company of others. and when i enjoy the company of others, i tend to love too much and care too deeply. i cherish beautiful, sunny days and take advantage of perfect running weather. i’m quirky, sometimes witty, and a little bit shallow/vain. but vanity’s the portrait of life, it stems relationships, doesn’t it? it’s a proven fact that people respect and naturally are friendlier to beautiful people. i wonder how others perceive me. not care, as much as wonder what they think when they think of me, and see when they look at me. i’ve seen me from the inside all my life. i want to step into the shoes of another and perceive me, the manner i express and carry myself, and critique myself to the point of self-improvement.

i foresee a lot of change this semester, because that is the natural sequence of things. i hope i don’t forget who i am when i go back. living with people for long periods of time can alter your perspective a bit. in the same notion, i plan to work hard this semester, especially with my early mornings. that leaves more time for reading/movie-watching and overall enjoyment. i plan to make new friends and experiment. i won’t expect too much, but i won’t settle for anything less than what i deserve and desire. i will persevere. whatever happens, happens. ideally, i will rush for a sorority, become a CA, get that internship, and volunteer in Costa Rica sometime within the next year. but i won’t let myself be crushed for too long if that doesn’t happen. i know i have big dreams for a little girl, and a little big heart for a big little world. so i won’t waste time and i will savor every good moment.

cheers to 2010 and 2nd smstr!

the day’s setting sun is never quite as enchanting as the morning’s first breath, sunrise. (although this is taken at sunset)
early mornings just drench you with the sweetest sense of wonder and potential.